As far as the issues are concerned, I’m not trying to think too much about what steps to take. I’ve left these issues to time and God, and what ever turns God will take, I’ll take it.
May be it’s a punishment for me for my pride – that I was righteous and nothing could happen to me and I fear not anything. But at the same time – because of this righteousness, somewhere that pride had crept in. Pride that I am truthful and I’m right. I’m remembering Murder in the Cathedral, where the protagonist takes pride in that he would achieve sainthood. That pride defeats the purpose of sainthood. The pride should not come in.
After all this mess, I’m confused what is dharma? Was dharma just to take those seven pheras? Or was it to follow what was instructed there by the pundit – the vows he gave me? The priest also said that on the judgement day, I’ll be a partner to in her crimes and follies, but she would not be. And so I’m an equal partner to the crime she committed. Those pheras had no meaning for her – just that you are decked up in a nice lehnga and wear the best and wear a jewellery and go through some nice rituals. But did she understand the meaning of those rituals. I doubt it. So what should be my dharma? If I leave her today, will I be absolved of the crime she committed? I mean the half punishment I have to go though, which I vowed at the marriage altar?
Life sometimes seems to be a big Time Pass. There is birth and there is death. Anything we do in between that period is a big time pass. We eventually wait for that death. Can we sit idle? No. I don’t think so. So we set short – term goals for ourselves. I remember, my goal in school – kisi tarah se 10th pass kar lo. The second goal would be 12th. Then graduation. Post-graduation, job, marriage and then children and their upbringing and then their marriage, etc. We have to do something so we do it. And eventually we die. So don’t you think life is a big time pass?
May be that’s a pessimistic thought but then what is optimism? Illusions? We live in a illusionary world. All relations are illusionary. I was just two days ago, researching on the internet about reincarnations, rebirth and near death experiences. It’s funny that a child is born to some other parents and all of a sudden around the age of two he/she starts talking about the previous birth – who his/her parents were, how he/she died and who her husband was. Now if the husband is alive, ideally, he would be call her beti but what if the little child just turns back and tells that no you are my husband. And there are men 15 years elder to her. She is telling them you are my son. Thankfully, I don’t remember anything of my past birth. It would be so cumbersome. And may be that is dharma - to bind ourselves to this births boundaries and relations.