I’d been feeling low all this while. It was not about being sentimental. It was also about dharma and karma, I have talked about in one of my earlier posts.
I’ve taken a decision, and am probably at peace with myself after that. It depends how one takes it. Though it’s not vindictive as some might presume it to be. I’ve decided not to divorce her even if she demands it.
I know some would be shocked by that decision of mine, but I’ve given a lot of thought to it. I had taken the vows with her to stand by her for seven births. I don’t know about the other six births but I was pretty much sure about this birth. While she dwindled and forgot those saat pheras and the dharma and karma of those pheras. They were not mere rituals for me or an excuse to deck up in the best. I remember the day of my marriage. Friends didn’t let me do anything. They said – Aaaj ke din tum Narayan ho. The groom is equated to Narayan. So just behave accordingly.
What is a divorce? A legal approval to live separately and then get remarried or … but why should I leave my dharma? My fault was – I believed in myself and trusted myself and as a result I trusted her. That was my fault. But she cannot be me and I cannot be her. So let her live her own life. I’ll stick to my dharma and karma. She forgot them. I haven’t. So for this birth she is my wife and will be till my death. She may do “wifey talk” with others, but I cannot do “husbandy talk” with anybody else.
She may live with me or with her parents, it hardly matters. She wants to come back. She is apologetic to an extent that she didn’t confide in me that her email id was hacked. But given a chance to reconcile, I am sure it will be a new beginning altogether. The trust has to be started from scratch. And if there is any possibility of a reconciliation that has to be based on truth. Any foundation of a new relationship has to be based on truth. So she has to accept her follies and feel sorry for them, which I doubt she’ll do soon.
If we look closely, she didn’t start lying from the day things came out in the open. Instead she had been lying, rather living a life of a liar for months before that. She had lived that hypocritical life and she had lived that lie and a dual life for long. So I cannot expect her to change heart soon. Even if she feels guilty today, she has the compulsion of not accepting her mistake. Because that will brand her. That will just make her fall in the eyes of her parents and everybody. So she has to live that lie today as well. And I’m not ready and will never be ready to lay a foundation of a new relationship on the basis of a lie. It has to be based on truth.
I will do my karma and follow my dharma. Let her take a lifetime to realise, what she did and was it worth it? I don’t think that was practicality what she did. It was an escapism. And today too, she is cheating nobody, but herself. As she had been cheating for long, it will take her some time to realise what she did and where she strayed.
Presently, if she was emotionally involved with that man, she might feel in her heart that she did nothing wrong and was true to her feelings. But I believe, anything that I have to hide or feel ashamed of or have to lie later on, cannot be right. And two wrongs cannot make one wrong right. And that’s what she is trying to do. She’s trying to right the wrong with other wrongs – lies and bunch of lies. Ek jhooth ko chuppaane ke liye sau jhooth bolne padte hain. And she is in that trap. I just wish that there is somebody sensible enough around her to show her the truth or guide her on to the right path.
I’ll remain righteous to myself and I don’t think that should perturb me. Why should I cry and crib when I stuck to my dharma and I think I’ll stick to my dharma still. She strayed, not me. I took a vow at the marriage altar that I’ll be a 50 per cent partner to her crimes, while she would be a zero per cent partner to my crimes. And may be I’m already paying the price. And I want to pay that price in this world itself. I haven’t seen the other world. So I’ll leave nothing for that.
You can call it my weakness. But I think, given the circumstances, many people around me want me to get rid of her at the earliest possible so that I can get remarried. But I think that’s not weakness. It takes guts and courage not to get into the trap of senses. Yes, there are needs – both emotional and physical – which one shares or gets from/with his/her partner. But I think I have enough courage to control those senses.
And remarriage is not certainly in question for me. There is no guarantee that the other person too won’t stray. As is said, that we life one life and I believe that we get married only once. Though it’s a different matter that within this one life we life a thousand lives.
What is a vow? I think these rituals should be banned if we cannot commit to them. Are they a mere formality for the world to accept that now the couple can stay, live and sleep together. No. I don’t think so. We take those vows in front of agni. Agni is one of the tatvas we are of. So we vow not only in front of Agni Dev but to ourselves as well. We have to be true to ourselves. I’d not strayed even before marriage. I’d preserved myself for my wife all along. That’s what I believed in. So shall I be true today too to myself. If I’m true to myself, I’ll be true to my partner as well.
Somebody told me the other day that for a marriage there has to be compatibility. I agree. The compatibility has to be to live together. But not to consider one as his wife. So she is my wife and I took those vows and I won’t betray myself. The vows I took to myself. I don’t know what she believes, what she is going through what she feels dharma or karma is. But I know mine and shall stick to it.