वापिस फ़ोन घुमाया तो मालूम हुआ कि मेरी बड़ी नानी अपनी अंतिम साँसे गिन रही हैं। रात होते  होते खबर आई कि वे चल बसीं हैं। अब कल सुबह दोबारा गाँव जाऊंगा। वे नानाजी कि प्रथम पत्नी थीं। उनके अपने कोई संतान न होने के कारण नानाजी ने दूसरा विवाह किया था। मेरी माता व मातुल सभी छोटी नानी की संतान हैं। परन्तु उन्हें पाला पोसा बड़ी नानी ने ही था।  दोनों सौतनों में इतना अगाड़ प्रेम शायद ही किसी सौतनों में देखने को मिले। दोनों एक दूसरे के बिना शायद ही कभी रही हूँ। वे बहनें तो न थी पर प्रेम बहनों से बड़कर। कारण शायद यह भी हो सकता है कि १२ – १३ वर्ष कि आयु में वे ब्याह कर इस घर में आ गयी थी, और शुरू से ही बहनों कि तरह रह रही थीं। 

हृदय को सुकून है कि मैं उन से परसों मिला था। और काफी देर तक बातें की। उन्हें अन्य कुछ हितैशियों की तरह मेरे विवाह की चिंता थी।

खैर… मुझे करीब ८ वर्ष पूर्व का दृश्य स्मरण हो रहा है, जब मेरी दादी कि मृत्यु हुयी थी। कल वही दृश्य मेरे ननिहाल में दोहराया जायेगा। ८ वर्ष पूर्व मैंने जाना कि पहाड़ों में संगीत मृत्यु में भी रचा बसा है।

गाँव के किसी व्यक्ति को जिम्मेवारी सौंप दी जाती है कि दिवंगत व्यक्ति के परिजनों को फ़ोन या तार  द्वारा व्यक्ति के सिधारने की खबर पहुंचाई जाये। तत्पश्चात गाँव के गाँव उस गाँव चल देते हैं जहाँ का स्वर्ग सिधारने वाला व्यक्ति हो। जहां पर हमरे पहाड़ी वस्त्र कला लुप्त होती जा रही है, वह आज भी मृत्य में जीवंत हैं। यह पहाड़ी वस्त्र कला आज शादी विवाह वगैरा में भी शायद ही देखने को मिलें।

जहाँ पुरुष अपनी हिमाचली टोपियाँ अलमारियों से नकाल देंगे, वहीँ स्त्रियाँ भी डाठू, चपकन एवं गाची में मिलेंगी। व्यक्ती का पार्थिव शरीर आँगन में रख दिया जाता है। मेरी दादी, किसी गाँव कि अगर बुआ (बूबी) लगती थी तो किसी गाँव की मौसी। तो किसी की भान्जी तो किसी की पुत्री (दादी के मायके वाले)। अब ये सभी लोग टोली बना कर आये हैं। पुरुष और स्त्रियों की अलग टोलियाँ हैं।

ये टोलियाँ शोक प्रकट करने के लिए अपनी बारी का इंतज़ार कर रही हैं। हो सकता है की इन टोलियों में कोई व्यक्ती आपस में हंसी ठट्ठा भी कर रहे हों, परंतु अपनी बारी आते ही, शोकाकुल हो जाते हैं या शोकाकुल होने का प्रयत्न करते हैं।

इन चार-पांच पुरुषों की मेरी दादी बुआ लगती थी। अब वे मृत्यु शय्या के पास जा कर, अपने मस्तक पर हाथ रखते हुए या आँसू बहाने की चेष्टा करते हुए चिल्ला रहे हैं, “बूबिये बापे, केहे डे तू, मुको नाहीं दिशदे।” यानी कि बुआ और बाप में कोई फरक नहीं होता, मेरी बाप सामान बुआ, तुम कहाँ चली गयी हो, मुझे तुम दिखाई नहीं दे रही हो। वे करीब २ मिनट तक इसी तरह अपना शोक प्रकट करते हैं। ये सब गा कर बोला गया है। इसमें भी संगीत छुपा है।

अब दूसरी टोली की बारी है। पहली टोली शय्या के सामने से उठ कर अपने स्थान पर बैठ गई। दूसरी टोली आगे आ कर आवाज़ लगाती है, “माये, मौसिये ।।।” इस टोली की वे मौसी लगती थीं, वे मौसे को माँ का दर्जा देते हुए, उनके पृथ्वी त्यागने का शोक प्रकट करती हैं।

मैं पहले भी कई बार, कई व्यक्तियों कि अंतिम यात्रा में गया था, परन्तु वे सब शहर में थे। गाँव में किसी अंतिम यात्रा में जाने का पहला अवसर था, वह भी मेरी दादी का, अतः ये सभी रस्म रिवाज़ पहली बार देख पाया।

इसके बाद जब यह निश्चित कर दिया जाता है कि अब कोई टोली नहीं आने वाली और सभी निकट सम्बन्धी मौजूद हैं, शय्या को मरघट की ओर ले जाने के लिए उठाया जाता है। उस समय सभी लोग पुनः अपने अपने रिश्तों की दुहाई देते हुए आलाप करते हैं।

यह रात काफी कठिन है। मुझे नींद आना निश्चित नहीं है। अतः पुरानी स्मृतियों के वर्क खोल रहा हूँ। और यही दृश्य कल सुबह से ही देखने को मिल जायेगा। मम्मी-पापा जो दिल्ली से रात को शिमला के लिए चल पड़े हैं, उनके इंतज़ार में ये रात काटने के लिए ये सब लिख रहा हूँ।

मुझे याद है, कि गाँव में एक बूढी माता जी रहती थीं। उनहोंने मेरे समक्ष एक बार मेरी दादी से प्रार्थना की थी, कि उनके “मरने” पर वे सभी महिलायें जोर जोर से शोक आलाप करें। उन माताजी की मृत्यु के समय तो मैं गाँव में न था, और मुझे ज्ञात नहीं कि मेरी दादी ने अपने वचन को निभाया या नहीं, परन्तु मेरी दादी की मृत्यु के समय जो दृश्य था, उस से लगा, की अवश्य ही दादी ने अपना वचन निभाया होगा।

Anyway, to begin with, it was a June Sunday. Place: Delhi. Don’t remember well, if I’d cleared the college or was in the final year. But those were the days, when being a Theatre person was high on my agenda and was associated with Advait Theatrical Group – that thought of itself to be a revolutionary concept, with flying egos.

The Director-Founder of Advait was a dear friend in those days, and was four/five years my senior in college. We followed him, if not blindly, but followed him ardently and thought of ourselves as some philosophers who would change the literary world and the art world. Thank God we spared the society of that. Again why am I meandering? Because the story is all about meandering.

The pressure on me was though not too high to appear for the IAS exam but was certainly high on my friend. Let’s call him The Friend only. His parents were convinced that one day their son would leave his vagabond lifestyle and join the mainstream by being a high positioned bureaucrat in the Indian Civil Services. Had The Friend been serious, he would have certainly qualified. I never doubted his intellect, even still though his reckless life has made him sacrifice many friends. Yours truly being one. But that’s a problem with all artists I suppose, who are non-conformists.

On a Saturday night, we decided to stay at my place in RK Puram, as the centre of the exam – some Government School, near Sarai Rohilla Station (near Karol Bagh) – was closer to my home. I don’t remember if we boozed that night or not. But we did sleep late. By the time we woke up next morning, the Sunday, we knew that we were running late for the exam. We hired an auto-rickshaw for the centre and after every minute were looking at our watches. We had to find and trace out the centre too. We were exactly 20 minutes late. We found the classroom where we were supposed to be seated. The invigilator declared that he could have allowed leniency of 10 minutes only and 20 minutes was too much of a time as per the rules laid down by the UPSC (Union Public Service Commission – that conducts the civil services exams). While I was too happy to be late as that would have meant one chance lost – as I knew I had not prepared for the Preliminary exam and I stood no chance to clear it to go to the second round – The Mains. The Friend pleaded with excuses that we had come from Ghaziabad and the train was late to reach the Sarai Rohilla Station. The pleading fell on deaf ears. Later, The Friend told me, “I just wanted to quell my guilt feeling that I did not try.” He unlike me, was under pressure from his parents to appear for the exam.

So what next? We already were feeling the Delhi June heat. We couldn’t go home. As we should have been giving the exam. There were about two-three papers on the day with a lunch break and it was supposed to end at 5 PM. We would have to while away that time out. Even though a friend stayed quite nearby, we didn’t want his parents to know that we’d bunked the IAS exam. So for the mutual love of books we decided to go to Daryaganj – the biggest of the Sunday Market for second-hand books. After a ride on one of the deadly Redline buses (that plied on Delhi roads during those days) we were in Daryaganj in half an hour. The market runs across an approximately 1-km stretch and the heat was unbearable. Still we managed to cover the entire market, with our hands full of, if I’m not wrong, with only James Patrick Donleavy’s The Ginger Man. It had been just over a three quarters of an hour, and the heat had already drained me out and my back and knees too seemed to have lost their lubricant.

The stretch managed, what next? It was just 11 or 11:30 PM. A brilliant idea struck us. Remember not too much money was in our pockets that we could go to some restaurant. It was decided that we’ll watch some movie on a Rs 20 per ticket at Regal in Cannaught Place. The 12:30 PM show. Just about 10 minutes were left for the show, and there was madness for the tickets at the ticket counter. Delhi didn’t have multiplexes or the hep kind of theatres during those days. Priya Cinema and Chanakya were the only decent places. Anyway, back to Regal. The movie that was about to start was – I don’t remember the name – the like of Jawaani Ki Aag, or Jawaani Ki Dushman or Jawaani ki Bhool or Something Something, if you know what I mean.

We weren’t interested in the movie but to escape the Delhi summer for at least two hours, Regal seemed to be a good idea. But the good idea wasn’t that good as the tickets were being sold at a flat rate of Rs 50. That was too much for us. May be we had about Rs 100 put together in our pockets but still Rs 100 for a C/D grade movie was too much for our egos and the artistic fellows who were born to change the way how art was looked upon. We were after all theatre people.

Should we try out any other theatre? The shows ran across Delhi had fixed timings unlike the present days when movie-halls or the multiplexes run shows every half hour.

So what next? A little bit of loitering around in Cannaught Place and 50 paise wala machine ka thanda paani, we found ourselves under the shadow of khajoor type trees in the Jantar Mantar arena. We lay beneath one of the khajoor type trees, hardly a leaf for shadow. I still wonder why there aren’t any shady trees there. We talked for a while and tried to have a wink or two. But the Delhi summer wouldn’t let Lady Sleep come nearby. After every five minutes of silence we looked at our watches. These minutes seemed to be as hours. We tried hard to not to look at our watches. But couldn’t resist the temptation. There were a few middle-aged loafers – like us – there too trying to sleep, or just whiling away time. The only difference was that they were not future bureaucrats in the making and not come out to give an IAS exam. Nor were they the theatrewallas with fine sensibility and refinery for art. May be that was their life. One, pulled out a newspaper from where I don’t remember, opened each sheet and laid them down nicely on the grass to lay upon.

The Friend and me, tried to talk, philosophise or what else? But the sun seemed to have caught itself in the mires and designs and dials of Jantar Mantar. By the way, we paid Rs 5 each for an entry into the Jantar Mantar complex. How the loafers had got in, I’m not sure. They were beggars, I suppose. The newspaper man, said to the other, “Chal lunch karke aate hain, Bangla Shaib (a popular Gurudwara in Delhi and near) pe.” The plan didn’t seem to have gone down well with the other man. The newspaper man then followed it up with all kinds of abuses to the Sikhs, and then turned to us, “Buraa mat maanana Sahab, main bhee Sardaar hoon.” Must be a cut-Sard (Sikhs who have cut their hair and don’t wear a head-gear – the turban). Anyway we were least interested in finding out his background, except that there was some amusement going on for us to get us through the day. Then the newspaper man tried to offer us some sheets of the newspaper, which we politely declined, hoping that he doesn’t start his rant with us. “Main toh ek rupaiya ka paper isiliye khareedta hoon taaki aaraam se so sakoon.”

May be Lady Sleep pitied us and we managed to get some uneasy sleep for about 15 minutes, when our newspaper man shot out, “Bhai sahab, bhai sahab, teen baj gaye kya?” Startled we woke up and looked at our watches and nodded our heads in affirmation, still fearing to open our mouths lest the man starts a rant with us. That didn’t resist him, and asked, “Poocho mujhe kaise pata?” We didn’t try and answer him neither in words nor through our body or any expressions. Still, he answered, “Yeh aurat dekh rahe ho? Ye r**** hai r****. Theek teen baje aati hai yahaan pe. Har roj. Ek baar mujhe kehti, ‘50 rupaiya de, tera l***a c******gee’. Maine kaha, ‘hat s****…” followed by some other words, which cannot be put down in asterisks as well.

The woman got into some small talk with other men around, and soon came to this newspaper man. He too engaged her in small talk, while he looked at us with a smile and an expression, which probably said – See, I had told you. We thought that it was time for us to move out from the place.

We got up, loitered around Jantar Mantar and marvelling the historic place built by His Highness Sawai Jai Singh, – that was more appropriate for us, The Theatrewallas - and left the place. Soon we found ourselves behind Janpath Lane, where some Kashmiri boys were playing cricket. They were, I suppose, the local shop-keepers or who else, I’m not sure. Not to forget that we must have smoked about three packets of Charms cigarettes by then since morning. We smoked Charms those days. Charms with its denim look pack was a cult amongst the theatre people and the rebellious. “Charms is the spirit of freedom, Charms is the way you are” was its positioning statement those days. We weren’t trained in marketing fundas, hence we called the positioning statement as a ‘slogan’ only. Some years later, Charms changed its statement to “You’ll like the taste my friend.” The motto for us was over and we shifted to some other brands.

But again this is not the story about Charms. We saw the Kashmiri boys playing cricket, while trying to decipher what they were talking in their dialect. Around 4:15 PM, we thought that it was too much to bear and we could go home and tell our respective parents that we had finished the paper early, by about 4 PM and had left the venue in an auto-rickshaw for home. Tired, we took our ways. The Friend left for Noida from Janpath and I for RK Puram, not in an auto-rickshaw but in a bus hoping that it’ll trudge slowly picking up passengers on the way and give me a leeway time for little explanation at home. So I boarded the No 615 bus plying between Minto Road and JNU (Jawaharlal Nehru University). But against my prayers, the driver wanted to speed – but true to the character and nature of the Redline buses. On the way, some students of JNU hopped on to the bus. They were on their way back to their hostels after appearing for the IAS exam. So a bleak light that well the exam could be finished by this time – except that my centre was way far than theirs. I tried to gather the threads of their conversation – the questions they were discussing. So armed with some questions that had been asked in the exam, I rang on the door bell at about 4:45 PM.

Nobody asked me, why I was early, except, “Kaisaa hua?”

“Theek hee ho gaya,” I said.

Nobody again asked me what kind of questions had been asked, still I was eager to tell them – the questions I’d eaves dropped upon from the discussion between the JNU students.

Any regrets for not giving the exam? Not as of now, till may be my boss throws me out for non- performance during the economic slowdown and inability to get stories. That was a Midsummer Day’s Dream. I could have entitled the story that but then why vulgarise the copyrights of The Bard, Shakespeare; particularly when we were at that point of time, besides Advait, bringing out a literary magazine called – The Bard. So my due respects for the greatest ever playwright. We had just made an Ass of ourselves. Nothing else.

Rnaanubandhana
Q: Thanks for your simplification. Probably, you are talking about rnaanubandhana while referring to the example of the grand parents being born abroad, for their love of their grand children. There still are some queries going in mt mind. That is of mental prayer. How good is mental prayer and chanting of mantras mentally and performing anushthanas mentally? The premise is that mental prayer is better than verbal prayer more in Kali Yuga more because of wrong pronunciation (uchcharan) of the mantras. Or more so we don’t have much time to sit and perform. Hereby some questions creep in my mind related to karma again.

Horo Veda: Karma are also formed very powerfully just by thinking. A simple story will explain its power:
King Shrenik and Mahaveer are talking to each other. There is another king who is in the forest doing tapasya (he left every thing to his sucessor son). A army is passing by where the king is in the forest as sadhu/muni. The army is taking rest under trees in the forest. Soliders are talking to each other. “We are invading —-city and the former king is doing tapasya here, he does not know that our king can easily kill his very young son (now king). The tapasvi king is listening this talk, he gets irritated and his mental thoughts started going up and down. On other side, King Shrenik is asking mahaveer that where this king who is doing Tapasya will go as he is doing imense tapasya.

Before the army was there in the forest, Mahaveer replied to Shrinik that he will go to 7th heaven but as the thoughts waves started on other side in the jungle in the brain of tapsvi king, mahaveer also keep changing his statement that he is going to 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 heven and then 1,2,3,4,5 6, and 7th hell. By that time, the muni king in forest started to think that he will take his sword and defeat the army. By that time he puts his hands on the head to fix his crown, he realized that he is no more king and he has no hair (as a sadhu). he felt very bad and realized what he is doing. he changed focussed his dhyan and involved in Dhyayan again as before. As he was focussing again, Mahaveer also changed his statement, that the sadu king is now going to 6,5,4,3,2,1 hell and then to 1,2,3,4,5,6, and 7th heaven and then at that moment he attained moksha.

I am not sure about the names of the king and the places but the story will give you an idea about mental thoughts and its relation to accumulation of Karma. I have seen many who has excellent powerful planets placed but they failed later on, I think they have silently used their mental power to hurt others and lost thier punya Karma.

Dreams and Karma
Q: If we can invoke God through Mental prayer and even may be move a mountain with the mental shakti, do the acts carried out in a dream be liable for being credited to our karma’s account? More so the dreams we see with our eyes open. One is a dream which we see while sleeping, and the other a dream while we see while awake. It is said that the world is Brahma’s dream (Brahma ka brahm). He’s sleeping. And we all are his dream. When he awakes the world will be finished. Similarly, we all create a world in our dreams, while sleeping or awake. For example, while in my college days, I used to ride a scooter and sometimes in the evening while coming home, I used to get sort of hypnotised by the head lights of vehicles coming from the opposite side. I would go into a dream world of my own forced by my thinking process. There are two realities here. Now, in this world I would love, hate, preach fight, argue, or do any other things. Meanwhile there was this sub-conscious mind which was guiding me home without my knowledge. I would overtake properly, stop at red lights, take the right turns and the right path back home. But I would be brought to this real world after say about ten kilometres. When brought back, I didn’t realise how I covered those ten kilometres. Whom all I passed and which red lights I stopped or other things. What all I would remember is the oter world I was in. So what is the truth here. And which karmas would get credted to my account here? One is that I took all the right moves without my knowledge and one is what I realise – the dream I saw and remember.

Horo Veda: Yes, it will depend and the karma part will still be applied. You must be remembering the story of RAJA HARISHCHANDRA. How he gave all of his kingdom to a muni in the dream and next day really a muni came to his court and asked the one that he gave him in the dream. We all travel after we sleep to another level or another dimension. we have different bodies, it is comlicated to explain in the E mail and I thus stop here. Example: A person drinks alcohol and drives car and kills some one, is it fair that no karma will be accumulated? If so, who will pay for the suffering his family will be going through? The person under alcohol hypnosis does not remember any thing??? The qn is at the first place why did he choose to drink it? If so, he is not innocent and some one has to pay the price for the killing of some innocent person!!!.

Same thing, in the last example of a child, the child is born in a particular family, even he is small but he made choice (MOHNIYA KARMA, intense attachment towards some one) in last life to come to new family. Thus if the parents feed him non veg food, he/she is also responsible to some extent, does not it?

Q: Also is rnaanubandhana a form of karma only. Or is it a result of karma?

Horo Veda: Both, some from previously accumulated and some are formed as a result.

Q: And the dream process and the reality. What’s real? The dream I lived in or the distance covered?

Horo Veda: To me both are real. As I said before, ignorance is not a bliss. same way, dream appears like a dream but it exists in some other dimension and we are connected with it. This is why it is said that practice that your thoughts are the same in three stages: Thinking, by speech and by your action, they all have to be the same.

Worship without flowers and life
Horo Veda: There were views that shastra support use of flowers and looks like that these people ignored the fundamental right of life:

In my humble opinion, you are ahead of millions by just doing your worship without flowers. First of all, the purpose behind offering the flowers is important. Most people when doing pooja like to decorate with flowers and others like to offer the flower itself to bhagwan because the flower is pretty and the sent is pleasing. Now I know what I am about to say may seem a little extreme to some, but another way of looking at offering the flowers is like sacrificing the flowers so now the distinction is between violence and non-violence. It is the offering of a part of a plant to please another. And the question comes, what right do we have to offer something that does not belong to us in order to please another? The plant is also a living being, and we are naturally doing harm to it by plucking the flower. Now if our intent was different and maybe using the plant for medicine then we are more justified as our purpose is greater than decoration or to please someone. But even then we are creating some negative (bad) karma just not as to the same degree. So my advice is that first of all don’t use the flowers unless you have a justified reason and even then ask the plant for the flower first and then take the flower and in return give the plant water or fertilizer in exchange. So if we really think about it our intent here is to seek Divine help, and the Divine will naturally not appreciate such acts as we are harming another in order to help ourselves.

Yes, to sustain lives, vegetables have use. Let us consider following groups for simplicity to understand the concept little bit more in deeper sense:

• Group 1 : Wheat, and other grains (not taking plant life, no torture or stress to plant)
• Group 2: Underground crops-A: Peanuts, turmeric etc (not taking plant life, no torture or stress to plant)
• Group 3: Vegetables and Fruits (not taking plant life, but torture or stress to plant).
• Group 4: Underground crops-B: Potatoes, Onions etc (life form still persists)
• Group 5: Animal products (killing of an animal that has all the senses compare to plant life)

We harvest the grains when the crop is matured and so also other grains; no killing of the plant is involved. Since no killing of the plants involved, no accumulation of the negative Karma involved. Peanuts etc if harvested immaturely, it is not good for the oil production. For oil production, peanuts have to be matured and when you take it out, again no killing of the plant is involved and thus no accumulation of the negative karma involved. If you put onion etc on the shelves without dirt or fertilizer they will start to germinate as the life still persists. Thus, in this group one can see why accumulation of negative karma may involve. Thus, many people eat some of the crops grown underground but not all (even they know it is good for the health). The concept of non-violence is involved and this is related to accumulation of Karma. How one can imagine that Karma involved in eating above group of products to “sustain lives” will be the same?

Coming back to flowers, they are still the part of the plant like vegetables (like group 3 above). Are they required to “sustain lives”? Or, they are used for decoration, beauty, scent and thrown away and plant does not feel any stress when take it? (Please refer to my previous post with the example of Sanjivini Butti). Unless flowers have a medicinal or eating purpose, I can not think of comparing acts of plucking flowers with that of plucking vegetables have the same purpose. Which act is “wicked” or not is not up to me to decide, as on this Earth almost all can justify their doing. In my opinion, one has to weigh one act over the other, the intention and the purpose involved to reduce the accumulation of karma to free from the cycle of birth and death, the ultimate goal of every life form.

Hope it helps to understand the concept. Thus part of worshiping lord Vishnu to get divine help it is essential that the person is vegetarian if not already so.

Accumulation of Bad Karma
Q: I appreciate your idea about not hurting the plant and gathering negative karma. I turned vegetarian about one and a half year ago. In fact liquor too does have a lot of bacteria used for fermentation, hence one gathers more bad karma by killing millions of bacteria and living beings. I was reading a series of book – Aghora about six months ago. It talked about karma and bad karma in detail. It also talked about how people into tantra make sacrifices while at the same time they pray for the beings (animal) for a higher degree of birth in their next life thereby negating a part of the bad karma they’ve accumulated. Another aspect that it talked about was (I’m saying it with the risk of being misquoted or being misunderstood as it has to be read in totality and contextually where it has been said. Only a fragment cannot be picked up, but any way, let me mention the bit) that karma is like a cheque. If one does not affiliate oneself to the act of doing, the karma does not load itself on to the person. It’s like a cheque of say millions of Rupees given to a person, without signing it. You cannot get the money until signed. Similarly, karma too works like that. But it is impossible for a person to not feel guilty or proud of a karma, hence it keeps accumulating. Why I’m saying this is that while eating meat a thought for the goat or chicken did cross the mind hence karma was accumulated, while at the same time there was not affiliation of sort or feeling while offering flowers or plucking the flowers. So will that karma too be accumulated?

Horo Veda: No matter what, as long as we are in a life form, Karma will be accumulated, knowingly or unknowingly. Our lack of knowledge is not the bliss. As a result, we are born in different country, race, family or specie (not human but may be any living thing). Based on balance, we have an excess to knowledge or this is denied. You may easily see that there are several religions on our earth that do not have an excess to karma knowledge and that does not mean that whatever they do is justified due to ignorance. Thus, it is extremely hard for such people to come out and if they do a little it helps a lot. People may take granted as “free stuff” on this earth but in fact nothing is free, we all have to pay one day, The accumulation may be more or less depending on the intention but taking life in my opinion is not justified.

Q: So does that law of karma apply to a child too who is offered meat without any knowledge of karma by the parents?

Horo Veda: Yes, it will be applied to the child and there is no exemption as action has been performed and some one’s life has been taken away. The extent of negative accumulation may be different and more may go towards parents but after certain an age, it will go to the child’s account. Thats, how the previous Karma forced the person to born in that family.

Just for an understanding, some ones grand parents live in India, their son leaves in WEST where he is non vegetarian but not the parents. Thus, the grand child is non vegetarian. The grand parents love the grand child very much but thier health does not allow to attend the marriage of grand child who is living in WEST abroad. They have too much attachment towards the son and grand child and in the process they die with a desire to go abroad to see the grand child. In my opinion, the grand parents are more likely to born abroad in WEST as a child to their grand son, where they will be NON VEGETARIAN. This is know as MOHNIYA KARMA. Now it will require lot of efforts and good Karma to break this cycle and it continues.

Q: Another thing I would like to discuss with you is that I come from Himachal’s Shimla district, where there are a lot of deities (devtas) – gram devta, kul devta, sthaan devta and their head (chief devta). They have their local names and these devtas have a human mouthpiece, locally known as maali. The maali can be invoked any time to seek the guidance of the devta. You have to see it to believe it. So every family has a maali designated by the kul devta. When the person dies, a next mouthpiece is selected by the devtaa himself. So why am I saying all this? These devtas demand sacrifice of a goat from time to time either to ward off evil or as an appeasement of blessing. My question is that does the law of karma apply to devtaas as well?

Horo Veda: Law of Karma applies to all living beings and in my opinion it applies to non living beings. For there is some mountain, For most of people, it is non living thing, but who knows that some soul is living there as a part of Karma. Why we say that this mountain is so many million years old??? Consider an example of AHILYA, the wife of Gautum rishi from Ramayan who was cursed by her husband to become a stone and then Sri Ram’s grace becomes free.

Another example, Bhagwan Shankar and Shani Dev story is well known in our literature. Also, many we call DEVTAS may not be necessary living in Heavens. For our stand point of view they are “DEVTAS”. If they are living in heavens, there is no reason for them to come to the earth unless their work is related to the earth. For example, there are two families who do not like each other. One person from each dies. naturally for both families each person is worshiped by them respectively. Both are DEVTAS for their own family as they can come and help but do you think they will help to other family? So for one family the person is DEVTA but for the other it is “GHOST” or some other entity. But for who living in heavens, they are free from such notion and actions. Many think they will go to heaven after they die and with some good work. In my opinion, it is not so, the numbers in the whole year may not be even more than 10 ro 20 to enter. it is all the game of Karma.

Animal Sacrifice and Karma
Q: I understand while it’s the humans that perform the sacrifice but at the same time the life was offered to the deity. Another thing is that I have a small anecdote. These devtaas from time to time go to Badrinath and Kedarnath on a pilgrimage. About 10-15 years ago, our Graam devta, Banaad went to Badrinath. There were many devtas too who had come there from Himachal and Uttaranchal. Supposedly there is a Vishnu ka jhoola inside. The kardaars at Badrinath asked vegetarian devtas and non-vegetarian devtaas to come in separate lines. The vegetarian devtas get a chance to ride the Vishnu ka jhoola. So the people accompanying the Banaad devta lied that the devta was a vegetarian, i.e., he didn’t take a sacrifice. Once the devtaa came back from Badrinath back to the village, a huge fair was organised and the usual ritual was started. A goat was to be sacrificed. Now there is a ritual here too. While offering the goat to the deity, a prayer is conducted “Please accept the goat as a sacrifice.” If the goat shivers, it is assumed that the deity has accepted the sacrifice and there after it is slaughtered. Now, while the goat was being sacrificed, it refused to shiver for hours and hours together. The deity was finally invoked through the human mouthpiece. The deity asked, “Why did you tell a lie in Badrinath that I don’t take a sacrifice?” Thereafter, only sacrifice the deity accepts is a “sookhi bali”, i.e. a sacrifice of a coconut. Also, how does the bali (sacrifice) effect the deity, whether be it a an animal life or a coconut, or even a pumpkin? Does that life add up to the deity’s own life?

Horo Veda: How does it affect, I do not know. But I guess it is source of their supply energy to sustain life wherever they are and whatever form they have. What is the end result I have no idea.

Q: So where does this all lead to? Another incident I remember is that my cousin great grandfather once wanted to sacrifice a goat to the kul devta Naarsingh, which refused to shiver. Anyways, he said, “Deity you are not accepting the sacrifice, but I want to eat its meat, so I’m going to slaughter it.” He picked up his weapon with both the hands, but he couldn’t move his hands and they got stuck. In fact the weapon had to be removed from his hands by other people. His hands became stuck for lifetime and were immobile. The deity when invoked, said, “You cannot just take a life like that. This is your punishment.” But then does that not apply to the deities who take the life, while we humans just relish the meat and the left over?

Horo Veda: Answers may be above to understand. That’s why Mahaveer left his kingdom and went in to jungle to search for MOKSHA or where one may be free so that it does not have to come again and again.

Contd… to Part II.

Where do I start? Well, it’s been more than a year now that I’m on medication for depression and anxiety with the quantity actually fluctuating. I hope, I’ll be able to get rid of them this year at the earliest. The year started with gloom, with bickering as I had got separated with my wife. The year 2007 was bad for me. The gloom had crept into 2008 as well. By February, the stage was all set for a divorce. I managed to postpone it as Gudiya’s marriage was on the anvil – in April. It went off very well, with some sickened people trying to make a mess of it, and me losing my temper at the marriage. Any way, all’s well that ends well. She’s happily settled in her new home and I’ve only one worry that she’s pretty contended, as of now, sitting at home. I hope she’ll soon be able to start her education again and complete her PhD. I also hope that she’ll also find a job soon.

Hmmm… well by May, my ex-wife had come to terms with my cold shoulder that I’d been giving her with no reciprocation to her calls or filthy language she tried to circulate to provoke me. I just left her with her language and cheap tricks without any retaliation. I’m a short-tempered person and had never ever in my life left a chance to pounce back. But this incident really taught me how golden silence really is. Silence is golden. I killed her with my silence. The Indian law heavily weighs against the man, and I knew she’d no incident to frame me. So why give her an opportunity now. All incidents were loaded against her. She tried a hell of cheap tricks to provoke me and my family. Helped by my great diplomatic and silent father, I managed to sail the rough weather without giving her a chance to harm me or my family. Ultimately, she had to come begging to my door for a divorce. I was more than happy to give it to her and get rid of her. By mid-May, she’d taken all her things. Even the one’s I’d given her. Any ways I don’t regret that. As such I would have given those clothes to the beggars. Better that she took them. And by June 2, I was divorced and free.

Though I was free, but the sudden freedom did start a new hunt at home to cage me again. The hunt is still on. The label of a “divorced” is a stigma. Though some people do say that “nobody cares these days”. But that’s not true. More people care these days. Gone are the days, when girls were married off like sale of goats. Girls are more selective these days. But with all the happenings, I have no one to blame, just that “What ever happens, happens for good.” May be God or Durga Ma has something better for me in store.

All good things in good time. That’s all I can say. After one freedom, it was time for another freedom. I’d been feeling frustrated with HimVani - the way it was going on. I had different ideas and I could not bring people to a consensus. I thought of quitting it. Though some people did point out that I was quitting the battle ground. But I believe in one thing that at times it is better to change the battle ground. With me out of it, it did give me time to relax and look at life closely, which I wasn’t getting earlier with my hands full. Now, I’ve proposed to get in again but from a different route and take things step by step and change some things for good. Let’s see how things go.

Also, the year 2008 gave me a daughter. Funny! A 21-year-old daughter, Sakshi. I call her Dhatri and myself as Juiin. The earth and the moon are sister-brother. So I’ve named her by the popular fable in Himachal as Dhatri. Well, I miss her childhood and the more I look at her and the more I get closer to her the more I feel to have kids now. So that I can feel them, see them growing up, take them in my lap, play with them, nurse them, change their nappies and hear their cry and admire their smile and their laughter. Hmmm… when will I have kids? Even though I have a duaghter. Still I want kids as well. Actually babies.

On the education front, I got registered for my PhD in Journalism, though I haven’t decided my topic as yet. By year-end, frustration just crept in with some restructuring at the office front , which I’m not happy with. It has just made me look for a new job, even though the environment in the market is not conducive, with a halt on recruitments. Still I’m looking out. And my craving to get back to Himachal has only worsened. I want to be back in Himachal at the earliest. I did give an interview for a new launched magazine in Himachal. But they are really paying peanuts. It doesn’t even cover my liabilities.

What more? Yes, I have just got more religious. Even though superstitious. Thanks to my parents, who’ve got more superstitious after the failure of my marriage. They’ve started believing in more of patris and greh-sthitis. So it was year of pujas and more pujas. Even though I did them full-heartedly, I sometimes feel, what has to happen will happen. Though parents have an excuse – the affects are lesser with pooja. Anything to make them happier. This marriage-failure has also taught me not just to be silent but patient as well. This incident not only shook me but my parents as well. So they are already broken. So anything that gives them hope and makes them happier.

Though I did try to bring them around the table to consider Nisha as their daughter-in-law, but then these patris have again become a hurdle. Nisha too is reluctant in such a scenario. So what more? Let life come as it comes. 2009, here I am. Hope you’ll be good to me. Even though 2008 nursed me well, when 2007 hurt me.

This year I think I travelled to Mumbai, thrice. Two new places that I saw are Hyderabad and Bhopal. Both nice places. Even though Bhopal at places comes straight from the middle ages and reminds one of the Mughal era. Hyderabad’s new airport in Shamshabad is really world class though really about one and half hour outside the city. The earlier airport was in Begum Pet in the heart of the city. That has been given to the Air Force now. Another city that I visited this year though for the second time is Chennai. People seem to be really uncooperative towards the North Indians. Autowallahs are ready to cheat you. I think it’s everywhere. So no blame games.

The year also ended with a lot of travelling even though it was pacy. I visited Sarahan, Dharamshala, Mcleodganj, Dal Lake, Naddi Talnu, Jwalamukhi and Chintpurni. All these programmes were sudden. I believe, Durga Ma was extra benevolent on me this year. She called me, hence I went. Just be as benevolent on me this year too Ma. So where next? Up to you Ma…

Two, my daughter has taught me something this week. Daughters are really difficult. You can’t fight with them. Something that I don’t approve of, and having advised her in the past and then repeating the same mistake has put me off – very badly. This time, I thought of not saying anything to her. It’s useless, pointless in arguing or saying something to her. After all when daughters grow up you can’t say much. There’s a generation gap. But then I think of the best for her. But the sad part is she’s been falling for the worst. Something that she doesn’t deserves.

This time, I’m not going to blink. I’m learning to not to talk to her. But that doesn’t make her lesser a daughter. I’ll still think the best for her but all I’m trying to do is preach NOT at all. And just stay away.

The last week also had some great controversies at the job front; with some of my stories falling into controversies. The Indian Readership Survey was out. You can’t please everybody. While with Total Readership (TR) some gained and some lost. With Average Issue Readership, some who’d gained in TR, lost. So the controversy started here, with publications calling up. Two, I’d believed a source when he told me that the particular daily is doing well with marketing efforts being put in. And that the daily has recently got a funding from a Muslim Party and another political party floated by a South Indian super star. Now, I’d put this innocently, without any malice. Meanwhile, there were all positives about the newspaper. However, it turned to be otherwise, with the office getting umpteen calls from the publication and denying the funding sources. Well, if it has not got any funding, good enough. But the daily raised a point that the news item was mischievous and baseless. Baseless, I agree, but there’s nothing mischievous about it. Also, that I’d ruined the reputation of the paper and the owner of the newspaper. Bull-Shit. It’s American mentality I suppose that you don’t want to be associated with a Muslim party, as they are terrorists???????? Sorry, I’m not saying that. I’m talking about the American mentality. Don’t newspapers need funding?

Anyway, the report had to be retracted.

Also, reading Aghora is not coming to an end. I’ve completed Vol 1 but Vol 2 is just dragging on and on and on, getting time just enough to read for 15-minutes only before sleeping. I’d like to complete it soon. A wonderful book it is. Has made me look life from an outset and aloofness.

देखा जाए तो ठीक ही हुआ। वरना मैं अपने हृदय की बात न बोल पाता। मैंने हेमा को कहा भी, कि अगर अभी नहीं बोल पाया तो शायद कभी नहीं बोल पाऊँगा। ज़रूरी नहीं कि उनके पास किसी बात का हल हो, और शायद मैंने उनसे कोई बात पहले भी इसलिए नहीं कही कि उनके पास किसी बात का हल हो। परन्तु हृदय की बात कहना शायद अधिक मायने रखता है।

हेमा फिर भी भावुकता में बात करती है, परन्तु विकास की बातें अधिक व्यवहारिक होती हैं। परन्तु इस हृदय का क्या करें जो व्यवहारिकता में नहीं जीना चाहता। हेमा ने कहा तो है वो मुझसे उस विषय में विस्तार में बात करेगी। परन्तु मैं यह भी जानता हूँ कि वह समाय शीघ्र नहीं आने वाला। जिस तरह से मैं समय के जाल में बँधा हूँ, उसी तरह से हेमा व विकास भी अपने अपने दुःख लिए जी रहे हैँ। उनकी अपनी कहानियाँ हैं जो रंगमंच पर रचनी होंगी। मेरी प्रार्थना तो यही है कि उनकी मनोकामना शीघ्र पूरी हो।

वैसे एक बात तो निश्चित है कि मैं अब दोबारा मदिरा को हाथ नहीं लगा सकता। मनुष्य इतना कमज़ोर हो जाता है, यह पहली बार एहसास हुआ। ऐसा नहीं कि पहले कभी मदिरा का सेवन नहीं किया, पर शायद अब बूढ़ा हो चला हूँ। अब इन तिलों में शायद वह तेल न रहा। परन्तु अच्छा ही है, मैं मदिरा के व्यसन को एक नए मायने से देख पाया और उसके कुप्रभाव को परख सका। वह बात ही क्या जिसको बोलने के लिए मुझे किसी मद्यमत्तता का सहारा लेना पड़े। ऊपर से अपनी बेटी की उलाहना सुननी पड़े। मैं अपनी बेटी से इस बात को ले कर नज़रें नहीं मिला सकता, और मेरी प्रार्थना भी यही होगी कि वह मुझसे इस विषय में कोई प्रश्न न करे। क्योंकि मेरे पास शायद कोई शब्द न हों कहने के लिए।

समय अपनी कौन सी चाल चल रहा है? व अपनी शतरंज के खेल में कौन सा मोहरा आगे करने जा रहा है? यह केवल संयोग नहीं हो सकता कि मैंने कल रात अनुमानन १० मास बाद मदिरा का सेवन किया, व आज घर पे बैठा हूँ। यह भी क्या संयोग मात्र है कि मैने आज “लाइफ इन अ मैट्रो” देखी? सब कुछ उदासीन है। यूँ प्रतीत होता है मानो सभी लोग, इर्द गिर्द, किसी न किसी के साथ विश्वासघात कर रहे हैं। यों प्रतीत होता है मानो इस फिल्म के सभी पात्र मेरे साथ उपहास कर रहे हैं। जो विश्वासघात मेरे साथ हुआ, उसको पर्दे पर चित्रित कर रहे हैं। परन्तु गाने अच्छे हैं। “क्या है मुझे भी इजाज़त, कर लूँ मैं भी मुहब्बत?” शायद नहीं। मुहब्बत किसके नसीब में है? शायद मेरे नहीं। हिन्दी के शब्दों के प्रयोग से सीधा हिन्दुस्तानी शब्दों का प्रयोग करने लगा हूँ।

इस समय शायद उचित भी है, जब जगजीत सिंह द्वारा गाई गज़ल की कुछ पंक्तिया याद आ रही है… अकेलेपन से खौफ आता है मुझ को, कहाँ हो ऐ मेरे ख़्वाबों ख्यालों?

पूरी गज़ल इस तरह है… और “लियाकत अली आसिम” की लिखी हुई है। शायद इस समय मौके की नज़ाकत को देखते हुए पूरी गज़ल ही मुझ पर फितरे कस रही है…

कहीं ऐसा ना हो दामन जला लो
हमारे आंसुओं पर ख़ाक डालो ।

मनाना ही ज़रूरी है तो फिर तुम
हमें सब से खफा होकर मना लो ।

बहुत रोई हुई लगती हैं आँखें
मेरी खातिर ज़रा काजल लगा लो ।

अकेलेपन से खौफ आता है मुझको
कहाँ हो ऐ मेरे ख़्वाबों ख्यालों ?

बहुत मायूस बैठा हूँ मैं तुम से
कभी आकर मुझे हैरत में डालो ।

मैं आजकल एक विदेशी लेखक द्वारा रचित पुस्तक “अघोरा – कुँडलिनी” पढ़ रहा हूँ। अगर पुस्तक पढ़ने मात्र से मैं स्वयं को पा जाता, तो कितने लोग इस तरह से भटक नहीं रहे होते। किस चीज़ की खोज है, व क्यों जी रहा हौँ मैं? क्या हासिल करना है? कुछ तो है, जिसकी मुझे तलाश है। वरना इतना सब कुछ हो जाने के बाद भी जिए जा रहा हूँ, और चला जा रहा हूँ, शीश उठाए।

कभी कभी प्रतीत होता है जैसे मधुमक्खी ने गर्दन पे डंक मार दिया हो, और मैं कराह तो रहा हूँ, गर्दन उठाए। शीश उठा है दर्द में, किन्तु मधुमक्खी को यह प्रतीत न होने पाए। उसे प्रतीत होना चाहिए कि अंत में जीत मेरी है। उसके डंक के खो जाने पे और उसकी मृत्यु पे।

चलो, शिश उठाए चलते हैं, किसी राह पर, ना जाने किस की खोज में। अगर आपको कहीं मिल जाए तो कृप्या बता देना।

I’ve taken a decision, and am probably at peace with myself after that. It depends how one takes it. Though it’s not vindictive as some might presume it to be. I’ve decided not to divorce her even if she demands it.

I know some would be shocked by that decision of mine, but I’ve given a lot of thought to it. I had taken the vows with her to stand by her for seven births. I don’t know about the other six births but I was pretty much sure about this birth. While she dwindled and forgot those saat pheras and the dharma and karma of those pheras. They were not mere rituals for me or an excuse to deck up in the best. I remember the day of my marriage. Friends didn’t let me do anything. They said – Aaaj ke din tum Narayan ho. The groom is equated to Narayan. So just behave accordingly.

What is a divorce? A legal approval to live separately and then get remarried or … but why should I leave my dharma? My fault was – I believed in myself and trusted myself and as a result I trusted her. That was my fault. But she cannot be me and I cannot be her. So let her live her own life. I’ll stick to my dharma and karma. She forgot them. I haven’t. So for this birth she is my wife and will be till my death. She may do “wifey talk” with others, but I cannot do “husbandy talk” with anybody else.

She may live with me or with her parents, it hardly matters. She wants to come back. She is apologetic to an extent that she didn’t confide in me that her email id was hacked. But given a chance to reconcile, I am sure it will be a new beginning altogether. The trust has to be started from scratch. And if there is any possibility of a reconciliation that has to be based on truth. Any foundation of a new relationship has to be based on truth. So she has to accept her follies and feel sorry for them, which I doubt she’ll do soon.

If we look closely, she didn’t start lying from the day things came out in the open. Instead she had been lying, rather living a life of a liar for months before that. She had lived that hypocritical life and she had lived that lie and a dual life for long. So I cannot expect her to change heart soon. Even if she feels guilty today, she has the compulsion of not accepting her mistake. Because that will brand her. That will just make her fall in the eyes of her parents and everybody. So she has to live that lie today as well. And I’m not ready and will never be ready to lay a foundation of a new relationship on the basis of a lie. It has to be based on truth.

I will do my karma and follow my dharma. Let her take a lifetime to realise, what she did and was it worth it? I don’t think that was practicality what she did. It was an escapism. And today too, she is cheating nobody, but herself. As she had been cheating for long, it will take her some time to realise what she did and where she strayed.

Presently, if she was emotionally involved with that man, she might feel in her heart that she did nothing wrong and was true to her feelings. But I believe, anything that I have to hide or feel ashamed of or have to lie later on, cannot be right. And two wrongs cannot make one wrong right. And that’s what she is trying to do. She’s trying to right the wrong with other wrongs – lies and bunch of lies. Ek jhooth ko chuppaane ke liye sau jhooth bolne padte hain. And she is in that trap. I just wish that there is somebody sensible enough around her to show her the truth or guide her on to the right path.

I’ll remain righteous to myself and I don’t think that should perturb me. Why should I cry and crib when I stuck to my dharma and I think I’ll stick to my dharma still. She strayed, not me. I took a vow at the marriage altar that I’ll be a 50 per cent partner to her crimes, while she would be a zero per cent partner to my crimes. And may be I’m already paying the price. And I want to pay that price in this world itself. I haven’t seen the other world. So I’ll leave nothing for that.

You can call it my weakness. But I think, given the circumstances, many people around me want me to get rid of her at the earliest possible so that I can get remarried. But I think that’s not weakness. It takes guts and courage not to get into the trap of senses. Yes, there are needs – both emotional and physical – which one shares or gets from/with his/her partner. But I think I have enough courage to control those senses.

And remarriage is not certainly in question for me. There is no guarantee that the other person too won’t stray. As is said, that we life one life and I believe that we get married only once. Though it’s a different matter that within this one life we life a thousand lives.

What is a vow? I think these rituals should be banned if we cannot commit to them. Are they a mere formality for the world to accept that now the couple can stay, live and sleep together. No. I don’t think so. We take those vows in front of agni. Agni is one of the tatvas we are of. So we vow not only in front of Agni Dev but to ourselves as well. We have to be true to ourselves. I’d not strayed even before marriage. I’d preserved myself for my wife all along. That’s what I believed in. So shall I be true today too to myself. If I’m true to myself, I’ll be true to my partner as well.

Somebody told me the other day that for a marriage there has to be compatibility. I agree. The compatibility has to be to live together. But not to consider one as his wife. So she is my wife and I took those vows and I won’t betray myself. The vows I took to myself. I don’t know what she believes, what she is going through what she feels dharma or karma is. But I know mine and shall stick to it.