I don’t remember, when I last wrote a letter with my pen and am not sure if I can write too as my handwriting is going from bad to worse, and I’m sure you won’t understand even a single syllable if I put down words in blue ink.

Any way, what’s more important is the emotion.

As for me, I’m much relaxed after unburdening myself of HimVani, though at the same time there is a strange feeling of abandoning my child. But may be sometimes one has to take these steps too, for the child to get up on its own feet. I am sure the mothers will do a good job of bringing up the child well.

I’m sending you these two books. The third one, will be sent soon, as soon as I find it. If I don’t find it, I’ll send my own copy. I have (rather had) this habit of picking up books from the pavements. Not the pirated ones, but second hand books. And it was many years ago, I had got this book – Aghora – Kundalini, that is the Volume – II of the triology (The one which is not here). For many years, I did not touch it. Then recently I picked it up and once I started reading it, it fascinated me and I just got hooked on to it. But I realised mid-way, that I had to get the Volume-I to understand Volume II completely. So I got Volume I and Volume III. I have completed Volume I. I wondered why I had not read it before and it had been lying with me for many years. The book itself had an answer that there is an appropriate time for everything. The book has more relevance today, than it would have meant to me some years back. I can understand it better, relate to it with a mature mind.

The beauty of the books is that they are not religious. They are not preaching too. They let you absorb, and filter out what you want to. I agree with many aspects, and those I don’t agree to, the beauty is, the book doesn’t thrust them upon me.

You’ll find the books useful in many aspects. To look life at from a new perspective and answers to many questions which we all seek to. I’m sure you wouldn’t agree to many aspects as well. Also, the book will be useful to you for your book on the temples, you plan to write. It’ll help you understand Shakti and Maha Kaal better.

I’m sure that you’ll find many instances, descriptions grotesque. But then, that’s what Aghoris are. Wild and go to any extent. For them nothing is grotesque in Nature. Not even a dead body. Everything has a plan and exists for a purpose and has a meaning.

Why me? What me? Where me? I’m sure, you’ll be able to find answers to these questions, if not fully, at least partially.

I’ll end this letter on the note from the book. There sure is some rina-anubandhana between you and me. I’m sure, you were my mother in some birth. Hence that rinu-anubandhana binds us in this birth too.

With Regards,

Your son.

In fact my meeting with you the other day was an eye-opener for me. Where I took folklore to be just folk-tales, you gave me a better understanding of it – the customs, culture, ballads, idioms, plays etc. And moreover your insistence that folklore be interpreted than just be documented.

I gave a thought to it and found myself dumb. How do interpret them was the big question lurking?. Incidentally, I had some books on Krishna, which I found disinterested. However, I had a book long time back – Once a Blue God by Ramesh Menon, which had given me an insight into the Hindu mysticism – about the different ages – Krita, Treta, Dwapara and Kali and the Karma Chakras. Somewhere, I lost the book. But your debate had fuelled the hunger in me, to go back to know more, to understand these folklores better. Incidentally, I’d picked up this second hand back long time back from the pavements – Aghora – II (Kundalaini) by Robert E Svaboda. I took that up. It has first hand accounts preachings of Aghori Vimalananda. A wonderful book that talked about the chakras, Kundaliani, the Mother and the Shiva, karma and nadis. After reading it, I could relate more to the fables I had heard in the childhood. The rishis, rakshas, and all. The difference between sattva and tamas and how rishis could talk telepathically, and how genetic order imbibes what the castes do. Why rakhshas could achieve what they wanted and why they misused it. The ultimate goal of person is to meet with its Shiva. And how you one can pray his deity – as a friend, wife, sister, daughter, but the best way to love your deity is to see him as a mother. In fact, women are asked not to worship Hanuman (Anjeneya – the son of Anjana) as he’s a bachelor. But if a woman worships and loves Anjeneya has her son, and be the mother herself to him (the Bal Hanuman), she can achieve the blessings soon.

This book made me understand many of the fables and interpret them correctly and find many hidden meanings into them. In fact, I ordered the first and the third volume of Aghora as well.

Thanks to you, for showing me this path.

I’m used to writing long long mails and everyone complains about it. So don’t just want to bore you to death, and let me end here.

Regards

I Thank You both for being there, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear me out (even at the middle of the night), a punching bag, to mouth some choicest words, that was a time, when I looked around, and reverted always to you for all this. Thanks again for being there.

If bad dreams are to be forgotten, I hope that I don’t forget that I made you both a part of this bad dream. In what words shall I thank you. I hope, I’m not demeaning the relationship by all this, but I thought why not share my joy, and be happy.

There were things to be sad about, but there are things to be happy about too – both of you, the relationship I share with you. I’m happy that I’ve a sister like you and a brother-in-law like you. When things go wrong, we forget that there are things to cheer about (I’m not talking about the liquor Cheers!). Looking back, I feel, why was I not happy that I had you. I lost something but I gained a lot. Love of you both. The trust you showed on me and the efforts you put in to put things in perspective, and show me the path when I was blinded by one thought and obsession – Why, why, why and more why? I know these whys would remain unanswered, but then Thanks to you – not for trying to find the answer but that there is something beyond Why (Y). That there is Z too.

I’m sorry for, if through this period, I’ve hurt you in any way. I hope I’ll be able to stand up to your expectations too, selflessly.

Love and regards

I don’t know, were my Naani and all the women folks in village trying to congratulate my mother or consoling her for Gudiya’s marriage. “छ़ोटी होआ ई देणना री च़ीज़, आच्छो कियो बै… एबै ना सूँच़ा बै।” (Girls are to be given away one day. You did a good thing. Now don’t think too much about it.) I was confused. Consolation or congratulation?

At the same time, I don’t think, you exactly remember the fiasco that happened at the gate when the baraat came. The Mama of the groom tried to push in and gate-crash. He tumbled the pooja thaali and the lota filled with water. Meanwhile, he pushed in the groom and after he made himself in, he tried to pull him in with his galbanda, almost strangulating him. So later my dad took him aside and asked him to behave. I also managed to try my hand on him, which aggravated the problem. But the problem was the grooms father/mother/sister did not know exactly what had happened. They thought that we abused the grooms mama. When the reality was told they mellowed down and were apologetic.

But there were some nuisances from their side. One of them told my mother – “आप लड़की वाले हैं, आप माफी माँगिए।” My mother asked him. “लड़की वाले हैं तो क्या हमारी कोई इज्ज़त नही् है, आप की भी तो लड़कियाँ होंगी?” Surprise!!! He claimed he had three daughters. He became silent.

Is that the reality? In one way we regard the groom as Vishnu and the bride as Lakshmi. That certainly reminded me of your postings on Draupadi, Hadimba and Kali Mata. How all men cheated them. Draupadi – How a woman was responsible for her fate.

I’m a bit scared for Gudiya’s future. What would be her future? I hope, she has a good one. The irony is that the boy’s mother is a headmistress in a school. Will she be able to accept that her brother was at fault. Because later she’d refused to to eat food stating that her भतीजे – भतीजियाँ left without having anything. Meanwhile, her brother had got himself busy with booze. While the groom’s father is apologetic, she tries to silence him every time. Probably her ego.

I’d gone to Hatkoti. The Mahishasurmardini idol, was in contrast. The Supreme. And all male deities in her service and the evil under her feet. And there was a pundit in the यज्ञ-शाला – opposite to the main temple. I just happened to ask him about my case, how soon would it get resolved. He said one thing – which made me come back to your posts – “स्त्री के ८४ रूप हैं। दुर्गा भी है, लक्ष्मी भी है, सरस्वती भी है, डाकिनी भी है, शांकिनी भी है…” But does that not apply to men? How many रूप do men have?

I don’t know. I’m confused.