I have posed this question to her as well jokingly many a times before. I’m a very private person. But in her words, a “bloody f****** self obsessed freak”. Fine. If that’s it, that’s ME. And if that’s true, I don’t want to be a chapter in her book. I’d prefer a book on myself. An entire book.

Do I have the right to talk about “us” to others — what we do or what we did? She posed me the question today. And I have been not too happy after that. A little muddle-headed. Some by the after affects of Maxgalin (Pregabalin) prescribed for my back ache, and some by the question she posed to me. Probably, I don’t as she said, it involves her and I should seek her permission before telling anything to the world. Exactly, I have been posing this question to her — does she have the right to share “our” relationship with others, with Season and Someone sounding like Legal, but not Legal. I don’t know on what premise is the name kept as there’s no such word in the Hindi dictionary. Anyway, so she’s been telling Season and but not Legal, the intricacies of our relationship and get some queer ideas of a seasoned person.

What’s right and what’s wrong. I really don’t know. Only time will tell. Sometimes I wish I had never owned up my love for her. Wish, I had continued with my “state of denial.” Whether I have the right or does she have the right, I don’t know. But the ultimate TRUTH is that it’s going nowhere. TIll then, let me also go nowhere and close those minds which ask do I have the right and does she have the right. Ultimately it is going Nowhere.

An afterthought: Do I have the right to write all this too?

Two, my daughter has taught me something this week. Daughters are really difficult. You can’t fight with them. Something that I don’t approve of, and having advised her in the past and then repeating the same mistake has put me off – very badly. This time, I thought of not saying anything to her. It’s useless, pointless in arguing or saying something to her. After all when daughters grow up you can’t say much. There’s a generation gap. But then I think of the best for her. But the sad part is she’s been falling for the worst. Something that she doesn’t deserves.

This time, I’m not going to blink. I’m learning to not to talk to her. But that doesn’t make her lesser a daughter. I’ll still think the best for her but all I’m trying to do is preach NOT at all. And just stay away.

The last week also had some great controversies at the job front; with some of my stories falling into controversies. The Indian Readership Survey was out. You can’t please everybody. While with Total Readership (TR) some gained and some lost. With Average Issue Readership, some who’d gained in TR, lost. So the controversy started here, with publications calling up. Two, I’d believed a source when he told me that the particular daily is doing well with marketing efforts being put in. And that the daily has recently got a funding from a Muslim Party and another political party floated by a South Indian super star. Now, I’d put this innocently, without any malice. Meanwhile, there were all positives about the newspaper. However, it turned to be otherwise, with the office getting umpteen calls from the publication and denying the funding sources. Well, if it has not got any funding, good enough. But the daily raised a point that the news item was mischievous and baseless. Baseless, I agree, but there’s nothing mischievous about it. Also, that I’d ruined the reputation of the paper and the owner of the newspaper. Bull-Shit. It’s American mentality I suppose that you don’t want to be associated with a Muslim party, as they are terrorists???????? Sorry, I’m not saying that. I’m talking about the American mentality. Don’t newspapers need funding?

Anyway, the report had to be retracted.

Also, reading Aghora is not coming to an end. I’ve completed Vol 1 but Vol 2 is just dragging on and on and on, getting time just enough to read for 15-minutes only before sleeping. I’d like to complete it soon. A wonderful book it is. Has made me look life from an outset and aloofness.

I don’t remember, when I last wrote a letter with my pen and am not sure if I can write too as my handwriting is going from bad to worse, and I’m sure you won’t understand even a single syllable if I put down words in blue ink.

Any way, what’s more important is the emotion.

As for me, I’m much relaxed after unburdening myself of HimVani, though at the same time there is a strange feeling of abandoning my child. But may be sometimes one has to take these steps too, for the child to get up on its own feet. I am sure the mothers will do a good job of bringing up the child well.

I’m sending you these two books. The third one, will be sent soon, as soon as I find it. If I don’t find it, I’ll send my own copy. I have (rather had) this habit of picking up books from the pavements. Not the pirated ones, but second hand books. And it was many years ago, I had got this book – Aghora – Kundalini, that is the Volume – II of the triology (The one which is not here). For many years, I did not touch it. Then recently I picked it up and once I started reading it, it fascinated me and I just got hooked on to it. But I realised mid-way, that I had to get the Volume-I to understand Volume II completely. So I got Volume I and Volume III. I have completed Volume I. I wondered why I had not read it before and it had been lying with me for many years. The book itself had an answer that there is an appropriate time for everything. The book has more relevance today, than it would have meant to me some years back. I can understand it better, relate to it with a mature mind.

The beauty of the books is that they are not religious. They are not preaching too. They let you absorb, and filter out what you want to. I agree with many aspects, and those I don’t agree to, the beauty is, the book doesn’t thrust them upon me.

You’ll find the books useful in many aspects. To look life at from a new perspective and answers to many questions which we all seek to. I’m sure you wouldn’t agree to many aspects as well. Also, the book will be useful to you for your book on the temples, you plan to write. It’ll help you understand Shakti and Maha Kaal better.

I’m sure that you’ll find many instances, descriptions grotesque. But then, that’s what Aghoris are. Wild and go to any extent. For them nothing is grotesque in Nature. Not even a dead body. Everything has a plan and exists for a purpose and has a meaning.

Why me? What me? Where me? I’m sure, you’ll be able to find answers to these questions, if not fully, at least partially.

I’ll end this letter on the note from the book. There sure is some rina-anubandhana between you and me. I’m sure, you were my mother in some birth. Hence that rinu-anubandhana binds us in this birth too.

With Regards,

Your son.

समय अपनी कौन सी चाल चल रहा है? व अपनी शतरंज के खेल में कौन सा मोहरा आगे करने जा रहा है? यह केवल संयोग नहीं हो सकता कि मैंने कल रात अनुमानन १० मास बाद मदिरा का सेवन किया, व आज घर पे बैठा हूँ। यह भी क्या संयोग मात्र है कि मैने आज “लाइफ इन अ मैट्रो” देखी? सब कुछ उदासीन है। यूँ प्रतीत होता है मानो सभी लोग, इर्द गिर्द, किसी न किसी के साथ विश्वासघात कर रहे हैं। यों प्रतीत होता है मानो इस फिल्म के सभी पात्र मेरे साथ उपहास कर रहे हैं। जो विश्वासघात मेरे साथ हुआ, उसको पर्दे पर चित्रित कर रहे हैं। परन्तु गाने अच्छे हैं। “क्या है मुझे भी इजाज़त, कर लूँ मैं भी मुहब्बत?” शायद नहीं। मुहब्बत किसके नसीब में है? शायद मेरे नहीं। हिन्दी के शब्दों के प्रयोग से सीधा हिन्दुस्तानी शब्दों का प्रयोग करने लगा हूँ।

इस समय शायद उचित भी है, जब जगजीत सिंह द्वारा गाई गज़ल की कुछ पंक्तिया याद आ रही है… अकेलेपन से खौफ आता है मुझ को, कहाँ हो ऐ मेरे ख़्वाबों ख्यालों?

पूरी गज़ल इस तरह है… और “लियाकत अली आसिम” की लिखी हुई है। शायद इस समय मौके की नज़ाकत को देखते हुए पूरी गज़ल ही मुझ पर फितरे कस रही है…

कहीं ऐसा ना हो दामन जला लो
हमारे आंसुओं पर ख़ाक डालो ।

मनाना ही ज़रूरी है तो फिर तुम
हमें सब से खफा होकर मना लो ।

बहुत रोई हुई लगती हैं आँखें
मेरी खातिर ज़रा काजल लगा लो ।

अकेलेपन से खौफ आता है मुझको
कहाँ हो ऐ मेरे ख़्वाबों ख्यालों ?

बहुत मायूस बैठा हूँ मैं तुम से
कभी आकर मुझे हैरत में डालो ।

I Thank You both for being there, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear me out (even at the middle of the night), a punching bag, to mouth some choicest words, that was a time, when I looked around, and reverted always to you for all this. Thanks again for being there.

If bad dreams are to be forgotten, I hope that I don’t forget that I made you both a part of this bad dream. In what words shall I thank you. I hope, I’m not demeaning the relationship by all this, but I thought why not share my joy, and be happy.

There were things to be sad about, but there are things to be happy about too – both of you, the relationship I share with you. I’m happy that I’ve a sister like you and a brother-in-law like you. When things go wrong, we forget that there are things to cheer about (I’m not talking about the liquor Cheers!). Looking back, I feel, why was I not happy that I had you. I lost something but I gained a lot. Love of you both. The trust you showed on me and the efforts you put in to put things in perspective, and show me the path when I was blinded by one thought and obsession – Why, why, why and more why? I know these whys would remain unanswered, but then Thanks to you – not for trying to find the answer but that there is something beyond Why (Y). That there is Z too.

I’m sorry for, if through this period, I’ve hurt you in any way. I hope I’ll be able to stand up to your expectations too, selflessly.

Love and regards

It’s really getting complicated and more of business like. Do you love somebody for what s/he is or for what you or your peers want him/her to be?

We were fighting and she blamed me for being too idealistic and not being practical. She said… “Kamandal uthao aur Himalaya par jao…”

I think… if I just could fulfill her wish. But that would be escapism. The world hates escapists. But the world hates fighters too. If you succumb or don’t speak out… you are a loser. If you fight… you are a misfit in the society. Fighters are not liked as they disturb the social norms and peace… peace that prevails because of acceptance of all the wrongs… peace that prevails because of lethargy… peace that prevails because of subdued grudges. Peace that prevails because of Chalta Hai attitude. You have to be diplomatic. So what’s diplomacy? Diplomacy is not calling a handicapped a handicapped. Diplomacy is calling – physically challenged… Nay… that’s also derogatory. Diplomacy is calling them differently-abled.

“Never say no… say may be…” That’s again diplomacy. No one wants to hear a NO. Everyone wants assurances howsoever false they may be. The other person doesn’t want to break your heart by saying No. But he wants to keep the hopes alive. And when hopes are kept alive when you actually know that … that May Be was a NO, you don’t realize that you are harrowing the person. The person who doesn’t wants to hear a NO, allows himself/herself to be harrowed and hassled and just abide time. Eventual result is frustration and more frustration.

Wouldn’t that brash No had been better than that ‘May Be’ which actually meant No. Only false hopes were there.

But bhaiya you have to live in this society. You cannot change the society to your whims and fancies. Yes. We cannot. But actually in the heart of our hearts we all want to change the society. Then why cannot we change. Because we shirk from taking the first step. If some wrong is an accepted norm and it has been followed, sometimes it becomes a prestige issue… “What would the world say? It will call me a rebel. Then there are questions of “Akhir mujhe issi samaj mein rahna hai… inhi logon se vasta padta hai…”

But why are those people like what they are? Because we allow them to be like what they are. They know, there is little resistance. And that little resistance will die out soon. Some crossover to that side due to frustration and seek revenge… “Ab main bhee wahi karta hoon… jo mere saath kiya.” Some may take that kamandal and go to the Himalayas (You may read SUICIDE as well.) And then there are others who for their near and dear ones compromise and stay mum.

In all this blah blah I’ve realized one thing… A fighter is one who walks Alone. And to walk alone you don’t need to have peers with whom you are emotionally attached. You really need to be ALONE. Alone means – no friends, wife, parents, siblings, lovers, etc. Because you cannot make them the scapegoats. Because it’s you who chose to fight. Not they. You don’t want them to be involved but there are the ones who you are fighting against, who will bring in those relations and make them as the shield to fight against you… so either quit or walk alone.

What am I going to do? I really don’t know. Let me be diplomatic. May be… Now what that May Be means… is for open discussion. Let people interpret it the either way… Quit or Walk Alone. Because I really want to be diplomatic. So May Be…

I feel that Diplomacy is an art to leave things open-ended with hopes galore for everyone. After all there was Only Hope left behind in ‘Pandora’s Box’.

…How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?…

…How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?…

…How many years can a mountain exist
Before it’s washed to the sea?…

…How many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn’t see?

- Bob Dylan-

Well, that speaks my mind these days. I just wonder, how many roads, how many skies, corners and seas… before I’m called a man?