Issue: August 2011

Marketers spend Crores of Rupees to outdo their competitor in the communication war, but they often forget the end-user…

I have often felt my intellect and worth demeaned, when each time, I’ve gone to a retailer to buy a handset for myself or for that matter anybody else (my parents or my girl-friend/s) or relatives back in Shimla…

Read: Dial M for dummies (PDF)

Issue: July 2011

Innerwear is a category, which is a mega market – each one of us has a dozen of them in our wardrobes – yet is the most neglected…

When every category is moving to create an emotional positioning, the innerwear category is getting coarser in its communication by the day, which is not on merit but on absurdity…

Read: Where is our ‘Victoria’s Secret’? (PDF)

Issue: June 2011

Consumer durables and automobiles should go for 7 Ps instead of the 4 Ps of marketing, as ‘service’ is an inseparable part of the package…

As a consumer, I don’t want to be tied to a non-functional brand. I want the company to be responsive and I could be unreasonable. That means quick after-sales service and the ability to understand the problem…

Read: The eighth P – Policy (PDF)

I knew the 197 guys of the landline fame, and how sternly they talked to you, and hence I dared little to call up the Cucumber Care of Yum-Tea-Nill. Once or twice I called them up for GPRS settings – probably when I changed my handsets. And I got little or no help from them, and relied mostly on different forums online for help. And each time I’d called them, there was the Hindi school teacher on the other side trying to speak in English and in a stern voice trying to tell me: Why the hell did I waste her time, when she had better things to do in life, like finish off the sweater she was knitting for “Unke Liye” or her baby or baba. I had interrupted in between and as a result she had forgotten now which thread to take on the knitting pin.

The number was out much in public and so didn’t want to change my operator. So when the buzz about MNP (Mobile Number Portability) was out, I was one of the happy lots, and waited patiently for more than two years to fructify. And I promised myself, “I will wait. Main Nahin Pakunga.” Meanwhile, I bore with the no signal or little Yum-Tea-Nell signal in my office, and used my landline mostly.

Come December 2010, and it was the Bachchpan days of MNP and some people had started Shaking Idea-s Abhi se. But come January, I got lured by Woe-da-phone who told me that they wouldn’t force Ideas my throat and I was just ‘Welcome’, and they would be probably be Happy To Help me and they had 10 Reasons why I should port to them. They even sent the the little doggy – Thug, after me. The Thugmarks were all over – on radio, on billboards and on TV and where not… I had my tongue wagging out. So I quickly applied for it – MNP. I thought SR is a past and brand no more take you for Hitches, so Woes must be a thing of the past. Was highly elated when I got the Under Pollution Control number, which I caligraphically quoted in the Woe-da-phone form, and as they handed me the new SIMI Girebal in a small pack. The pack had the Thug perched on it.

It would take seven days – the retailer told me. I had waited for two years, so didn’t mind waiting for another seven days. So, exactly or nearly after seven days, on Monday 31 Jan, 8:09 PM, I got a SMS from Woe-da-phone: “Hello! Your Porting Request MDLI4ANM dated 31Jan11 has been approved by your currentoperator. We will communicate the porting date and time shortly.”

I never got the date and time.

Then on Tuesday 1 Feb, 2:09 AM, I again got a message from Woe-da-Phone: “Hello! Welcome to Vodafone…….This is normal welcome message that is sent to all customers after activation. This is the first msg that will go for an Vodafone customer after activation.”

Mind you, the grammatical errors  or whatever in the above messages are not mine. I have just replicated the message. My Woes literally began after that. I was happily calling people – I mean, I could still make calls from Yum-Tea-Nill, until one friend told me that they were unable to get to me. The message they got, each time they called me was “The Woe-da-phone Cucumber you are trying to call is switched off.”

It had been 24 hours by now, and I had been wondering all along, why the hell has nobody called me up today and no SMSes.

My joy new no bounds. I thought I was ported. But little did I know that I was in Tri-Valley University and had only been radio tagged to be deported later. I quickly changed the SIMI Girebal. Aah! I was so pleased to see Woe-Da-Phone IN on my phone.

And in came a series of SMSes, friends had sent me, which were blocked till I was on Yum-Tea-Nill SIMI Girebal. The first thing I did was – tried to check the balance. The lady on the other end said: Blah blah blah. Your prepaid Woe-da-Phone card is not activated. Please call Woe-da-Phone Care. The same with 121, or 123 or even recharge number 140 or 141 etc etc.

So I dug out the Woe-da-Phone Care number and called them. It was a pain through IVR. I was tired hearing what she was blah-blahing and never gave me an option to talk to the Ghoda Mare Officer. After trying for about 15 minutes I got through a sub-menu which finally lead me to the Ghoda Mare Officer.

Every time… you want to fly… by my side… Pause. The Ghoda Mare Officer will be Happy to Misguide You, please stay online… Pause… Every time… you want to fly… by my side… Pause. The Ghoda Mare Officer will be Happy to Misguide You, please stay online… Pause… Every time… you want to fly… by my side… Pause. The Ghoda Mare Officer will be Happy to Misguide You, please stay online… Pause… Every time… you want to fly… by my side… Pause. The Ghoda Mare Officer will be Happy to Misguide You, please stay online… Pause…

I don’t know how long it went on. For about 7 minutes when the Ghoda Mare Officer came online. …. Kaise madad kar sakta hoon aapki… maafi chahta hoon. What the hell? My choice of language in the very first Menu was English. Anyway!!! So I told him my problem that number is not activated.

He put me on hold. A dead silence for about 45 seconds… Maafi chahta hoon. Apka number 24 ghante ke andar activate ho jayega.

I said what the hell? But wasn’t I supposed to be inactive for only two hours and that too at night, and you were supposed to inform me of the time. The Ghoda Mare Officer on the other end, said: “Maafi chahta hoo, activate karne ke liye ek sau atthunjaa ghante lagte hain. Hum to phir bhee 24 ghante mein kar rahe hain.”

What???? Ek sau atthunjaa ghante kitne din hote hain? – I asked.

Aap 24 se multiply (I think he meant – divide) kar dijiye, pata chal jayega.

Wow! How helpful you are na. And you happy about that na?

Sir, agar mujhe math ata, to main Call centre mein hota?customer

I told him, I will report this to your Marketing Head, Navin Chopra tomorrow.

Sir hum kya kar sakte hain. Maafi chahta hoon. Main aapki koi aur madad kar sakta hoon.

Really? have you helped me in first place?

Sir aap 123 number dial kar ke apne plans aur VAS activate kar sakte hain.

Yaar, pehle mera card to activate kar.

And I hung up, promising myself, Never to call up Woe-Da-Phone Care again.

So I have been waiting for them to activate my phone. I have been warned. Ek sau atthunjaa ghante lag sakte hain.

Even the Yum-Tea-Nill Hindi teachers pretending to be English ones, never threatened me like that. These two animals are world apart. While I wanted to get rid of and off the talk while talking to Yum-Tea-Nill guys; at other services, the Cucumber Mare guys seem to be in a hurry to get rid of you. But this chap, at Woe-Da-Phone, straight back from the play-field after the Lunch break, seemed to be too casual.

I got a call from my friend soon. I was delighted. So they’ve activated my number, finally. I talked to the friend, and was not interested in the talk and wanted to hang up and check the features. So quickly, I cut the talk short and hung up, and again went through the 121, 140, 141 and 123 numbers to be told… Your Woe-da-Phone prepaid card is not activated, please call Woe-da-Phone Care. The Ghoda Mare Officer will be Happy to Misguide You.

Wait, wait and wait. And then I thought that let me try their toll free number 18001234567. Same maze and after 5 minutes I gave up and kept the phone aside.

But somehow, I don’t know what possessed me, I took off the battery of my phone and but the Yum-Tea-Nill SIMI Girebal back again. Aah! There it was welcoming me. I dialled all the numbers – it showed me my balance left, the number of free SMSes I had. And then I tried calling myself from a landline number… “The Woe-da-Phone Cucumber you are trying to reach is switched off. Please leave a message by dialling….”

It’s been nearly 40 hours since I got the last message from Woe-da-Phone and I can make calls from Yum-Tea-Nill and receive calls from Woe-Da-Phone. At this moment, I only wish I had a dual-SIMI Girebal handset. So I could call from Yum-Tea-Nill and receive calls from Woe-da-Phone.

Don’t know, whom to call. Yum-Tea-Nill or Woe-Da-Phone Care? But is there a point in calling? I don’t have the time and patience to go through the maze and try and figure out where the hell is the Ghoda Mare Officer.

We Indians have a lot of patience. I will wait for another 90 days and may be get some Ideas and Shake the Bachchpan out of me, Sirji. Or may be go back to my good ol’ Yum-Tea. At least they don’t have the Pretensions of Happy to…

More so, I seem to be in a field of career which is faker than the fakes they expose. They are for no good here. For plain business.

I have posed this question to her as well jokingly many a times before. I’m a very private person. But in her words, a “bloody f****** self obsessed freak”. Fine. If that’s it, that’s ME. And if that’s true, I don’t want to be a chapter in her book. I’d prefer a book on myself. An entire book.

Do I have the right to talk about “us” to others — what we do or what we did? She posed me the question today. And I have been not too happy after that. A little muddle-headed. Some by the after affects of Maxgalin (Pregabalin) prescribed for my back ache, and some by the question she posed to me. Probably, I don’t as she said, it involves her and I should seek her permission before telling anything to the world. Exactly, I have been posing this question to her — does she have the right to share “our” relationship with others, with Season and Someone sounding like Legal, but not Legal. I don’t know on what premise is the name kept as there’s no such word in the Hindi dictionary. Anyway, so she’s been telling Season and but not Legal, the intricacies of our relationship and get some queer ideas of a seasoned person.

What’s right and what’s wrong. I really don’t know. Only time will tell. Sometimes I wish I had never owned up my love for her. Wish, I had continued with my “state of denial.” Whether I have the right or does she have the right, I don’t know. But the ultimate TRUTH is that it’s going nowhere. TIll then, let me also go nowhere and close those minds which ask do I have the right and does she have the right. Ultimately it is going Nowhere.

An afterthought: Do I have the right to write all this too?

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यह बारकोड, कोड‍ १२८ में है, और अँग्रेज़ी मे् है। काफी कोशिश की, कि हिन्दी में बनाया जाये, किन्तु कोई भी औनलाईन वेबसाईट सॉफ्टवेयर, यूनीकोड को स्वीकार करने के लिये तैयार नहीं था।

बारकोड के आविष्कारक नौरमन वुडलैंड व बर्नार्ड सिल्वर ने अक्तूबर १९४९ में पहली बार बारकोड के एकस्व के लिए आवेदन किया, जो कि अक्तूबर ७, १९५२ में स्वीकार हुआ।

बारकोड एक प्रक्रिया या जिससे उपभोक्ता वस्तुओं की गुणवत्ता व उसके मूल्य, डिब्बाबन्दी की तिथी व अन्य जानकारी को मशिन द्वारा पढ़ा जा सकता है।

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मेरी छोटी भगिनी, यानी कि चाचाजी की पुत्री और चीड़ा की तस्वीरें

दादी, मेरे चाचा की माताजी, ने कहा, “अगर घर आ गया है तो चीड़े का पूजन तुम ही करो।”

मेरे लिये यह पहला अनुभव था। पता नहीं था कि क्या करना है। तो दादी ने समझाया और हो गया झटपट चीड़ा पूजन।

चीड़ा एक मिट्टी का गोल ढेला है जो कि अश्विन मास की सन्क्राती से १५ दिन पहले घर के आगे सुसज्जित कर दिया जाता है। उसके चारों तरफ जौ यानी कि जई बो दी जाती है और ढेले पर एक पत्थर की सिल रख कर उस पर अग्नि प्रजवल्लित कर दी जाती है।

भाद्रपद को काला मास माना जाता है। अतः मानयता है कि यह रौशनी देवताओं व पित्रों को राह दिखाने के लिए की जाती है। इन पन्द्रह दिनों में जौ काफी उग आते हैं। अश्विन मास की शुक्ल पक्ष की प्रतिपदा को इस चीड़े का पुनः पूजन किया जाता है।

जिस दिन चीड़ा लगाया जाता है उस दिन ग्राम व अन्य देवताओं का जागरा अथवा जगराता किया जाता है।

पूजन में नेऊज़ यानि की पूरी एवं फल फूल चढ़ाए जाते हैं। एवं पुनः सिल पर आग जला कर व धूप दिखा कर रौशन की जाती है। अगली सुबह चीड़े को गिरा दिया जाता है।